Loneliness has a sound.
It’s not silence. It’s the echo.

You speak, but no one answers back.
You build, but no one’s built it before.
You lead, but no one’s walked ahead.

That’s what it feels like to be first.
​Not just first as a founder, but first in your family, first in your role, first to stitch together something no one else has made before.

And here’s the kicker: science says your brain knows it, too. Loneliness doesn’t just feel heavy, it registers in the body as real pain. MRI studies show the same regions of the brain that light up when you stub your toe also flare when you feel socially disconnected. Chronic loneliness, researchers say, is as harmful to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (!!!)

So if you’ve ever thought, “Why does being first feel so exhausting?” that’s not weakness. That’s biology.

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The psychological cost of being first

Psychologists call it a liminal identity state: you’ve left one version of yourself behind, but you’re not yet sure who you’re becoming.

That’s why people who are first often feel:

• Unseen because there’s no mirror for you to look into.
• Uncertain because no one handed you a rulebook.
• Responsible because if you stumble, you believe the whole system stumbles with you.

And these three feelings are what get presented in coaching conversations. But here’s the reframe: loneliness is not a sign you’re failing. It’s a sign you’re leading. If you feel the echo, it’s because you’re out ahead.

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How to lead like being first is your SUPERpower

If you’re building a role that never existed:

• Define success out loud. Don’t wait for someone to score you. Write the scoreboard yourself.
• Document your decisions. Every breadcrumb you drop is a path for the next person.
• Prototype the role. If this were a product, what would Version 2.0 look like?
• Rewrite the story. Instead of “I’m alone out here,” try: “I’m strong enough to be first.”

If you’re building a department that never existed:

• Make the invisible visible. Show people why this department matters with results, not jargon.
• Build allies early. A department no one understands is a department no one funds. Relationships are your oxygen.
• Set principles before policies. You don’t need a hundred rules, you need a clear “this is how we work.”
• Measure momentum, not perfection. Your first wins prove the idea deserves to exist.

If you’re building a company that never existed:

• Tell the story before the numbers. People join movements, not spreadsheets.
• Borrow certainty from the future. Act as if the vision already exists and pull people toward it.
• Design culture intentionally. In the beginning, culture isn’t inherited. It’s every choice, every reward, every silence.
• Remember: loneliness here is leadership. The isolation that hurts is the very proof you’re doing something new.

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If you find yourself in “first” here’s your leadership choice:

Ask yourself: What story am I telling myself about being first and what’s the better one I want to believe?

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Final Thought

Being first is never easy. It’s lonely, it’s uncertain, it’s heavy. But it’s also the gift of leadership: you get to light the path others will walk.

If you’re carrying that weight right now, of a new role, a new department, or even a whole new company, you don’t have to carry it alone. Let’s talk.

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My best, always,

Shar